John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had
had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be
his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough
syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering
Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it
all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and
leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had
transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John
explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
***************************************************************
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest
speaking and there is no woman around to hear him,
- Is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his
hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to
kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they
do "practice?"
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written
on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one
meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal
eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they
afraid someone will clean them?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it
make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless
or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has
the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank
machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road
sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because
they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
***************************************************************
Things Noted On REAL Resumes
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45
every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as
well as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three
previous employers.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am
decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application
of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere
of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my
employer does not know I am looking for another job.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
- I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse. -
Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget. - I'm a
rabid typist. - Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a
Midwest chain operation.
************************************************************
Flying in the hot seat.
A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to
cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire
fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so
thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to
photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent
a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and
arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport
where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and
saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and
shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung the little plane into the wind,
and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly
over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some
pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,
"and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean
you're not the flight instructor?"
*************************************************************
Getting Fogretful
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to
forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this
could be dangerous, as one of them may accidently forget to turn off
the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their
physician told them that many people their age find it useful to
write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the
doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the
kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that
down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You
better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some
strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now
you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No
problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife
could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise
inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and
whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and
eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and
said, " I knew you wouldn't get it right!! Where's the toast??"
***************************************************************
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande and
robbing Texas banks. A reward was offered and an enterprising Texas
Ranger finally captured him in his favorite saloon. He put his gun to
the bandit's head and said, "Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow
your head off!"
However, the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak
Spanish, but there was a bilingual lawyer present who translated the
Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out that the loot was
buried under the oak tree in back of the saloon. "What did he say?"
asked the Ranger. "He said: "Get lost jerk. You don't have the guts to shoot me.'"
************************************************************
There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the
Superbowl. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found
his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row,
and it was WAY up there. He couldn't see the game, so he began looking
around. Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go
down there.
He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if
anyone was seating there.
The man replied, "No." So the guy sat down and struck up a
conversation.
"Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?"
The man answers, "Oh, that was my wife's seat."
"Where is she?" the guy replied.
"She died."
"Oh I'm sorry...don't you have anyone else to come with you, a brother,
or friend?"
"No, they couldn't come."
"Why?"
"Because they are at her funeral."
*************************************************************
Brain Transplant
A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've
got some good news and some bad news."
The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is
our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has
been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you
can have which ever brain you like.
The man's brain is $100,000.00 and thewoman's brain is $30,000.00.
The patient could not help but ask?; "Why such a large difference
between, the male and the female brain?"
The doctor replied, "the female brain is used."
*************************************************************
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental
appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be
posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man
who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it
they'll be giving you a speaking part."
*************************************************************
Rings a bell?
The Hunchback of Notre Dame had died and no one had been ringing the bells since his death. A gnome applied to the abbe,but the abbe was put off as the gnome was even uglier than the hunchback had been, and he had a large flat spot in the middle of his forehead. The gnome pleaded for the job and the abbe agreed to test him. The gnome did not touch the ropes,but proceeded to the bell tower, jumping and hitting each bell in the appropriate changes. The flat spot on his face
appeared to give great tone to the bells. The abbe gave him the job immediately.
Attendance at church improived dramatically, and people came from near and far to hear the changes sounded. One Sunday morning, however, the gnome ran too fast, missed a bell, and fell several hundred feet SPLAT! on the paving in front of the church. A crowd gathered and one brave soul turned the gnome over. "Who is it?" whispered the crowd.
I don't know said the brave soul, but his face rings a bell!!
***************************************************************
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for
all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of
$180. Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season
pass?"
**************************************************************
A mummy polar bear and a baby polar bear are sitting on an iceberg.
Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Koala bear?"
Mummy bear: "No, son. You're a Polar bear."
A few minutes pass.
Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Panda bear?"
Mummy bear: "No, son. You're a Polar bear!"
A few minutes pass.
Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Grizzly bear?"
Mummy bear: "Look! You are a Polar bear! Why do you keep asking?"
Baby bear: "I'm bloody freezing!!"
**************************************************************
A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so
slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the
highway you're on!
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more
careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are
shaking and trembling.
Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back
there? They're shaking something terrible."
Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
*************************************************************
You Know You're Getting Older When...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a
second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine
cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there
************************************************************
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